Paying him back

During finals week I was pretty selfish. I said "Hi" and "Bye" to my husband but that's about all the conversation I could commit to. I received a Subway gift card from his mom, an absolutely incredible care package from him, and now my mom has gotten me a "post-finals stress massage" hallelujah! I saved half of my Subway gift card to share with him, and he appriciated that. I can't really share my massage, and he doesn't like/won't use most of the stuff he got me. The hard part is, he goes through this stress with me. Though he doesn't have to take the tests, he still feels the pressure and empathizes with me, in fact he even helped me study one night, reading the flash cards to me (until he got pissed that he couldn't decipher the latin words and greek letters--he thought it should all be in English). He didn't get a care package, because he "just has to work", which is true, but now I am done for a whole month, and he still has to work. He is taking a weeks worth of vacation this month (so excited for that!) But right now he still has to get up and work everyday while I sit at home making Christmas candy and watching daytime TV.

I have decided to make him a "care package" or "thank-you-for-being-so-freakin'-wonderful-I-don't-deserve-you" package. I need ideas on what to put in it, homemade cookies is as far as I've gotten. Post your ideas as comments, I could really use the help. And don't worry, he doesn't read this. He says, "You tell me every detail of your day anyway, why would I wanna read it too?"--thanks honey.

1/8th a Veterinarian

So, I did it! It's over, successfully. I completed my first semester of vet school without a hitch...or much of one.

Finals week was seriously brutal. It was perhaps the most stressful event in my life to date, and the stress of it snuck up on me, I didn't realize quite how stressed I was until it was too late. I had been studying for these finals since the day after Thanksgiving. (Well, really all semester since they're cumulative) The week before finals I was studiously looking over my notes every night, preparing flash cards and basically doing pre-study studying. Stuff like organizing notes, making flashcards, highlighting important old material, correcting old exams, stuff that doesn't actually commit any of the information into my brain, but does make it easier for me to do so. Sunday, the day before my first final on Monday I really began to hit it hard. I spent each previous day, about 10 hours worth (not exhaggurating here) preparing for the next day's impending exam. I got absolutely no house cleaning done, I only cooked supper once, my dogs don't know who I am anymore, and my husband is feeling seriously neglected.

The histology final (the first one) was the easiest exam I have taken all year. I walked out feeling confident that I probably secured my "A" in that class. The next day was physiology. After our last wreck of an exam I was pretty nervous about this test. I prepared for days and spent a TON of time and effort on it the night before. Studying for these tests is super high anxiety. You could be asked ANYTHING from the entire semester, and a semester's worth of material in vet school is equivalent to a year's worth sometimes two in undergrad. I could have studied for weeks and still not known every small detail, how to work every dilution problem or how to decipher what exactly the question was asking. As you go through your notes, or study in a group, you start to really feel the pressure. You'll see a page of notes that you don't exactly remember, or the friends you study with with ask you a question on a topic you can't even remember discussing. Your stomach starts to turn, the lights get bright, the flop sweat begins and you sit thinking to yourself "I am never gonna know all of this, there's just no way." I finally bagged it up for the night and went to bed at a decent hour (Midnight is about as decent as it gets during finals). I know that I am not one who can "pull an all nighter". Not having sleep for me is as bad as not studying. I can get as little as 5 hours and still make it, but that is my breaking point, and 5 hours was about the most I got all week long. I went in to take the exam, armed with my flashcards for last minute review and was feeling pretty confident, until he passed out the exam...the hardest exam I have ever taken in my life. I am still not sure how I could have studied for 2 weeks, really committed myself to learning, and UNDERSTANDING the information and still not have understood 45 out of 50 questions. I did my absolute best, turned in the exam and cried the whole way home. I was really starting to feel the pressure now, apparently that histology final was just a "teaser". I took a 30 minute nap tried to snap myself out of it, but I just couldn't study for immunology, my brain would not stop spinning. I decided to go for a run, something I have been neglecting all semester. After about 2 miles, my head was clear again, I felt like I could breathe and I had renewed energy to hit the books again. Tuesday is also when the nausea started. After the physiology exam I wasn't able to really eat again until Thursday. Not sure why this happened, so much stress that I wasn't paying attention to I'm sure. I just couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I could only study and take exams...it got pretty brutal. The other two exams actually went off without a hitch. I took my immunology final, felt pretty good about it and went to start studying for my anatomy final (the big one). I think the hardest part about finals is that even when one test is over, you can't relax or even have any downtime, you just have to start studying immediately for the next one. I tried to eat again on Wednesday, but the stress of the impending anatomy final made it impossible again, damn this was really starting to suck.

In the end I did pretty well on all of my exams except physiology. (No one did though, we had the same failing average on this exam as the last one, excellent) I haven't gotten my grade back in anatomy yet but I do think that there is a (slim) possibility I pulled off my Christmas miracle and finished with an "A". That would be such a welcome surprise, as it would cancel out the "C" I got in physiology. I wish I could be more disappointed in myself for the "C", but I'm just not. The truth is I worked as hard as I knew how to get that grade. I am not failing and a "C" in vet school is pretty damn good. Most of my classmates were excited to have "C's" and I think I would be selling myself short if I didn't honor all the hard work and stress I went through to get that "C". I have a "B" in immunology, exactly what I expected, perhaps an "A" in histology and maybe just maybe Santa will bring me my "A" in anatomy. That would be 4 A's 1 B and a C...pretty sure I can live with that.

I learned some really important lessons this semester and this past week:

1. Make note cards and study aids through the whole semester and SAVE them for the final, it would've been so much easier to just pull out old note cards rather than have to make them all over again.

2. Study old exams, if it was important the first time, its probably gonna be important again

3. RUN! I need to commit myself to running again at least 3 times a week. I had forgotten just how much I love it, and what an awesome stress reliever it is. More importantly, I think it will help prevent stress before it strikes

4. Physiology is hard, and you can never know enough to be prepared for an exam

5. I need to have my own textbooks, not borrowed copies so that I feel comfortable writing and highlighting in them

6. My husband is the best ever ( I already knew this but he keeps proving it to me over and over)

7. Finals are hard and stressful, I need to be proactive about the stress next time to keep it from sneaking up and striking before it's too late

8. It feels GREAT!!!!! to be done!

Ahhhh Finals

Forgive me if I haven't been the frequent and dedicated poster as of late. It seems that it's finals season and I am consistently feeling under-prepared no matter how much I study. I am writing this as a hiatus from the 7 hour histology marathon I have just preformed sitting on my couch. I am tired, my brain is mush, and tomorrow is only our FIRST final. Three more to follow. Awesome. I keep trying to tell myself everything is going to be fine. My grades are in no jeopardy of failing and I mostly just have to get "B"s to keep my "B"s (I know you're shocked "B"s again) But there are several classes--ok all but one, where if I perform a test miracle and do what I haven't done all year I might actually pull out an "A" for the course. Histology, I currently have an "A" and would like to keep it. Anatomy and Physiology...it is technically possible for me to get an "A" but it is going to require a miracle come test day. I'm not sure that I am tough enough to force myself to do the kind of studying required to pull that miracle off, or that even if I did commit myself to that study-lashing, that it would translate on an exam. Lord knows it hasn't all year. Immunology an A is just simply out of reach, looks like I am getting a "B" pretty much no matter what. (well, I could fail this final and I think that would bring me down to a C) Somehow this is comforting I don't feel unbelievable pressure to do well on this exam, and I have comfortable breathing room to keep my "B". I like that feeling.

I helped a friend from undergrad study for his anatomy final the other day. It was such an eye opener. First, not only can I recall previous anatomy information, it pretty much comes second nature to me now, who knew it would actually seep in and stick? Second, there is such a HUGE difference in preparing for undergraduate exams and vet school exams. I hadn't really noticed it until that day but there is such a major difference in commitment level. I used to be like my undergrad friend, only memorizing the information I knew I needed long enough to do well on an exam. Not taking the time to truly understand the information, or let those seeds of knowledge percolate into my cerebrum, just rouge memorization. Now, it is made abundantly clear to us that not only do we have to know the information we are asked, we have to be able to integrate it from class to class, and remember it from semester to semester. (We can now be tested cumulatively from semester to semester, which means I could be asked something in third year from this semester--holy crap) Turns out they really want us to know this stuff, like we might actually have to use it later or something.

It simply amazes me just how much I have learned this semester. I truly think it is the equivalent of probably 2 entire years of undergrad jammed into one semester. Good news is, I like it, I still like it. And, although I am beyond ready for Christmas break, I still really love vet school, and for the first time I am able to say I only have 3.5 years left instead of 4. Ahhhh, I'm getting there.

To leave you on a nice note...I was having a simple conversation with Husband the other day about how I felt really left out when all my classmates received care packages for finals. (Ok, maybe I was whining a little) I have never been the recipient of said "care packages". My roommates and classmates in undergrad always used to receive them and I pretended not to be jealous, but this time it was hard to hold my jealousy in (I should work on that). The very next day Husband showed up at school prepared to take me on a surprise lunch date (love that) in the car he had waiting for me the best care package in existence. Good luck balloons, pens, pencils, highlighters, candy, cokes, snacks, bubble gum, post-its, and party poppers to pop after each exam is finished. He is truly so incredibly amazing, most days I'm not sure I deserve him. Then several days later in the mail, I received a Subway gift card from my mother in- law so I wouldn't have to worry about lunch during finals and could still eat healthy, how great is that? I am blessed beyond words and should really stop my jealous whines...my care packages were better anyway--no one else got balloons!

Forgive my truancy from this blog over the next few days, it seems my time is better focused in another direction. WISH ME LUCK!!!

My first fail

So there it is right out there in the title...my first failure. Yup, I did it, I failed an exam. Got a big ol' 60. Nice, Kaki, Nice. But lets be fair shall we...everyone failed. Ok, well not everyone but out of 132 of us only 30 passed the exam, the odds weren't good.

This is our last week of general exams, it can't go by fast enough. And this epic failure exam was this Monday. Let's start from the beginning. This exam material was taught by a new professor that taught the same (vascular physiology in case you're interested) material last year. And last year the material had to be re-taught because the students didn't learn it. I know what you're asking...why let her teach it again? No idea, second chances, torture, humor...no idea. Either way, turns out we didn't know it. And I felt like I did. As much as I really didn't want to (and trust me I didn't, I need a break really badly right now) I did study this weekend, I worked hard and when I had to explain the concepts to others, I really felt like I grasped the material. I felt pretty good going into the exam. As good as I ever feel, mostly I was just determined to not get the same "B" I always get, that is starting to get really frustrating. As I started reading the exam I do the same thing I always do, read all the questions, answer the one's I'm sure of, mark the one's I have NO idea and know that the answer will never come to me (I probably never knew it, so no use wasting time) these are my "eenie meenie monie moe" questions. Then I spend the majority of my time on the questions that I need to reason through, or really think about. This is usually a good strategy, it works well when I know a lot of the answers. The physiology exam is always 25 questions. I recieved the exam and marked 15 of the questions as "eenie meenie monie moe" not a good sign. I went back later and thought, "ok, maybe I can reason through some of these." Apparently that was not the case. The questions were so far out of left field, so complicated and so much stuff I had never seen before I never had a chance. (Just an example: "What happens with respect to mean arterial pressure, left ventricular contraction force and total peripheral resistance after an alpha 1 agonist is administered and the barorecptor responds, chemoreceptors may or may not come into play") I did the best I could, thought maybe I guessed well and turned in my exam. Everyone else pretty much shared the same feelings about that exam..."What was that?!?"

All in all I am remarkably unphased by my grade on this exam. Perhaps it's because I pretty much have the same grade as everyone else, and a little part of me is just glad I didn't get the same 84% I have had all semester (at least I am capable of something else). To my knowledge this is the first time I have ever failed an exam (maybe a spelling test in 2nd grade?) I thought it would be an earth shattering moment, that I would cry and scream and there would be gnashing of teeth (ok, maybe not that bad). But, as it turns out the earth keeps spinning, life goes on and my overall grade, while it was SIGNIFICANTLY effected, is still a "B". Looks like the "A" I wanted is out of the question, but it's hard to complain about a "B"--a grade I am more than used to.

We are still waiting for some discussion on this exam. The class average fell 20 points after one test, this basically means we are not stupid, the material was just not presented well. We're hoping for a curve or a make-up or something. But so far nothing, we are just stuck with this crappy grade (that I don't think is all my fault) oh well, I have decided to just take it and move on.

On another note, say prayers that I will make it through the week. I need a break very very badly. I have never been quite so ready for Thanksgiving before. I can't even see to Christmas, just ready for a small hiatus that will not be filled with dobutamine, T regulatory cells, and terminal alveoli...uggggghh! It is becoming increasingly hard to get out of bed, almost impossible to study and down right difficult to pay attention in lecture. I have 2 more exams on Friday, both of which constitute a major portion of my grade, so I should get off this thing and hit the books---maybe just maybe I'll make it to Saturday!

Won't be the last time

I did a really stupid thing today, I like to have amputated my finger. I was simply cleaning up after anatomy lab and grabbed the wrong end of my scalpel handle to clean it. I didn't know I had it "blade end up" but I did and I grabbed it and pulled with a paper towel in my hand to clean it off. Needless to say the blade went right through the paper towel, my glove and a significant portion of my finger. It hurt like the dickens and I bled like a stuck pig. And to make matters even more eventful for the afternoon ('cause cleaning up the blood had me pretty much occupied) my instructor insisted that I go to the campus health center to make sure I hadn't cut a tendon and to get stitches if necessary. And of course they were so worried about my blood loss (which really wasn't all that bad) the instructors wouldn't let me drive myself.

I really wanted to just head down to the food animal ward and let Dr. Pig take care of my gash--but I was forced to go to an actual HUMAN physician. Great. Actually, they were pretty nice. And they got me in and out relatively quickly (probably because I was bleeding all over their waiting room). The doctor did think I needed stitches, but I declined. It'll heel fine, I'll take it like a woman.

My classmates were great about it, and luckily found it as funny as I did, well after the blood was cleaned up and the pain subsided. The best part of the whole incident was when the nurse at the school health center insisted that I could potentially have been infected with rabies from a dog cadaver that has been soaking in formalin for the last 6 months. I kept trying to explain to her that really wasn't a possibility, and either way I had been vaccinated. But it didn't really sink in until the actual doctor told her that I was lucky, formalin kills damn near everything so it was actually a pretty clean cut. Excellent. The whole event ended well, no stitches and I'm still rabies free! While this is the first time I have tried to amputate my own digits, I can see from here that this probably won't be the last stupid accident I have during vet school. Here's to holding the scalpel by the blunt end!

from the backside

As promised, from yesterday...

I spent last Saturday morning in a wet lab in the large animal hospital. (a Very Very early Halloween Saturday morning) Each organization or club in school holds a "wet lab" in which the members are taught how to do various things we'll need to know someday. They are always different, and sometimes they allow non members to attend for a small fee. The internal medicine wet lab this year (a club to which I do not belong) was palpating cattle, exsanguination, ultrasound and simple cattle diagnostics. I remember hearing the announcement for the lab, as a light came down from heaven and a booming voice said "Kaki, this is your lab...you should go" Ok, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic but I was really really excited. So excited in fact that I begged husband for the $10 it would put us out. And yes, he asked the same question many of you are asking..."You want to PAY money to put your arm up a cow's ass?" well umm... yes! My reply was simple, "Yes, right now I have to pay money to learn how to do it, so that someday people will pay me to do it for them." This apparently made sense to him, and I could see the dollar signs in his eyes start to zing by like a slot machine, he handed me the $10 and told me he didn't really want to know the details.

So, I'll share them with y'all. I know you're just dying to know. The lab was fantastic, held by one of my favorite doctors in the food animal wing, and a new doctor I met that was so fantastic, he reminded me so much of my granddad I wanted to pack him in my luggage and take him home to Thanksgiving. (ok, not really but he was pretty great) Basically, we gloved up and put our entire arm in the cows rectum. Not just for fun mind you, or to violate some unsuspecting cow, there is actual clinical significance for doing this. This procedure is most often done to check and see if a cow is pregnant. From inside the cow you can feel the uterus, descending aorta, kidneys, and a whole slew of other organs. These were Holstein cattle and were pretty used to this procedure. It was pretty easy for us to feel everything we needed to feel because these were "open" cows, or cows that are not currently pregnant. I know it may sound disgusting, in fact I had a friend ask how long it took me to mentally prepare myself for sticking my arm...there. I found this a really odd question. In my world most of us would jump at the opportunity to palpate cattle, not even think twice about it. When she asked this it made me see how odd this whole thing must seem from the outside looking in. I think she was a little sick to her stomach, I need to remember not everyone appreciates my stories--especially while eating.

Overall, the lab was amazing. I did actually feel a cows uterus, and descending aorta which is an incredible feeling. Not something that is easily (or ever for that matter) done on a dog. And again after only seeing dead animals for weeks upon end, it was really nice to have a live one. I learned how to exsanguinate (my fancy new word for "draw blood" that I am intent on using) from a tail vein, and I was good at it. And I ultrasounded a cow's heart--and I found it before the clinician could.

Even after all the hands on stuff my favorite part came from two simple conversations. First, Dr. Grandpa helped me draw blood from the tail vein, he explained it very carefully and then just let me at it. I hit the vein the first try and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. "Good job," he said "you're a natural" It was probably the highlight of my day. And the second conversation was between my favorite clinician and a group of touring high school students and their parents. They just happened to have the fortune (good or bad was their decision) to be walking through the hospital as we were arm deep in cattle. Some were disgusted others intrigued. Not being shy Dr. Pig walks over and invites them in. He explained what we were doing and why. One of the parents asked "These are students? You let the students do this kind of stuff?" I simply would have replied "yeah, this is vet SCHOOL how else do you think we learn how?" Instead Dr. Pig responded with my favorite response this semester "Yes, they are students but we look at them as veterinarians, they can and are allowed to do whatever the Doctors can in this hospital, sometimes they just need guidance. When they graduate, they just get to put doctor in front of their name." I wanted to hug him right there, but I thought it would be inappropriate with a glove covered in cow shit on my arm.

It's days like this that make 4 hour anatomy exams, histology and all the countless hours of sitting in lecture worth it. Knowing that in just 3 1/2 short years I will be officially done, and doing this kind of stuff every day. And just so you know, yes I washed my hands...twice.

P.S. If you click on the title to this blog, there is a fun article about a "new" way to teach us how to do this.

oh my it's been too long

So as it seems I have been neglecting this little outlet for sometime now, but with the fury of things in the last few weeks it just hasn't really been feasible.

I guess I'll start with exams, we had our third round of exams set out over these last three weeks. At the beginning of the semester I thought that exams would be better timed if they were one or perhaps two a week at most...turns out I was wrong, dead wrong. Though it does give you more time to study, it also gives you more time to put off studying (which thankfully I haven't done too much of) and mostly it gives you more time to worry about how much you don't know.

Here's the thing I hate most about exams...all the other people taking them. Don't get me wrong I love my classmates, but it is very hard to feel confident around them sometimes. There is an insane amount of material we have to cover for each exam (about 100-150 pages of notes per class per exam) and no matter what you do, or how hard you try you just simply cannot know everything, ok well at least I can't. We study a lot in groups and this tends to be pretty effective, though I have only one close friend that I really study well with. The problem with studying in groups is that you quickly realize there were a few things you missed, (ok, sometimes more than a few). I'll be studying with my "study buddy" and some one will interrupt and say "Hey, can you point out the iliolumbar arteries," WHAT?!? What are those? I don't remember those? When did we go over that? And then panic starts to set in that there is a whole bucketload of material I missed. The truth is I am usually pretty well prepared for exams, and I have just resigned myself to the fact that I will never get a perfect score on an exam, I will never know EVERYTHING. And how could I--there is just so much to learn. Take for instance the last histology exam, mostly over the eye, ear and digestive system. Not so bad right, well...throw in the avian crop, ventriculus and proventriculus, the carnivore special stomach, the rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum of ruminants, and pigs--they're just a whole different story. Thats where it gets complicated. I've said it before, it's not the actual course work that is so difficult, it is simply the shear volume of material.

But, while I have resigned to knowing that I will probably never get a perfect score on an exam, I haven't just given up and decided to only strive "get by". My grades are ok, I have straight "B's" and no matter how hard I work I cannot seem to do better than that. This has been incredibly frustrating for me. I can study for 10 hours or 40 (this is not really exaggerated numbers, I have probably studied close to 40 hours for an exam before) and my grade will only get better by one or two points--what the hell. I work my tail off and have nothing to show for it. I feel like my grades should be a direct relationship with the amount of time I spend studying--a linear graph if you will. This whole thing had me so upset that I made and appointment with my faculty mentor. My frustration was with whether or not to just "give up" and decide that a "B" is the best that I can do (ouch! that hurts, I have never had to say that before) or to keep killing myself just to get an "A" (after all does it really matter anyway?). He was great and basically told me that I was not the first person to encounter this, and that it is actually very common. And not to resign myself to just getting a "B". He told me that usually something clicks, my study habits, my schedule, the information, whatever it is clicks and the amount of time I put in will start equating with better grades. I loved this advice...though I don't love having to work so freakin hard for these grades. CLICK ALREADY!!!

So, I took the last of this series of exams today. A four hour anatomy exam, and I am pooped. Burnt out and soooo ready for Thanksgiving break. Hopefully, my week worth of studying will translate into my first "A" in anatomy. I am really looking forward to this weekend where no imminent studying will mock me from my office (though I do have several things I need to catch up on). I can sleep in, clean house, and play with my dogs for a change. What are their names again? And, perhaps, I will do a little updating on here. 'Cause there is a whole lot to catch up on. Tomorrow, look for my next post...what the inside of a cow feels like from the backside. (See I told you I had a lot to catch up on!)

The more I learn the less I know

So exams are over, for a while. I am doing my best to really stay on top of my game in the coming weeks so that I don't feel so incredibly overwhelmed when exams come around. I saw some interesting research regarding how much more information one retains when you look over your notes every night, versus just every once in a while. So, that's what I'm trying to do...but its still really hard. Looking over notes for 22 hours worth of classes every night doesn't give you much time to do any assignments for those classes, or anything else for that matter. So far I am seeing an improvement in my comprehension though. Usually I study stuff before the exam and as I am studying I know that it will really take 3-4 more days for these concepts to fully "sink in". I am trying to avoid that for our next round of exams...that starts a week from Monday.

On that note, I used to be really irritated about having multiple exams on a day, or in one week. But this last round of tests was spread out over 3 weeks and it gave me very very little time for anything else. And, though I was thankful I didn't have any weekend events that prevented me from studying, the distraction might have been nice. Marathon studying makes me feel like a zombie, and I think it's making me vitamin D deficient.

Overall though I am continually amazed at how little I actually knew before I got to vet school, how much and how quickly I am learning things now, and how I really feel like the more I learn, the less I know.

I really did feel like I had a good grasp on things before I got to vet school. I had quite a bit of animal experience, and I understood stuff...I thought. Turns out that was not really the case. I am amazed at how little tidbits of information completely change my perspective of the way I used to see things. It feels like I have been let out of a box, and I am slowly able to see more and more of the complete picture of veterinary medicine. Before, I did things because I was told to, or because it was a pattern of the way things had been done before, now I am slowly learning the why behind each of those things. And from a big picture I suppose it makes things more complicated--because there is more at stake, and more to think about. But for me it makes things much easier to understand, I know the "why" behind them, its easier to justify doing it.

And, I am continually amazed at just how sharp this learning curve called vet school is. I find myself watching "Grey's Anatomy" and "House" with new found understanding. "I know why that potassium overdose made that lady die." or "Hey, I know why a papillary muscle rupture would kill you!" or even simple things like "I know where the hepatic artery/T1 pedicle/brachial plexus is!" Its simple information, after all we spend our first year just learning normal. They don't even introduce us to disease processes and pathology until 2nd year. But even just knowing what normal is, and how things work makes me start to feel like a real doctor, and I really like that feeling.

But, all this knowledge comes with a price. The more things we learn, the more things we have to learn. There is a puzzle concept called a fractal, in which the puzzle itself gets infinitely more complex with each layer you solve and the details just get more and more detailed. I think that is the perfect analogy of learning medicine. I want to fully understand all of the concepts that are being taught to me, to know the how and when and why to everything. The really frustrating part is that I will never get there, no one will. The body is so infinitely complex we will never fully understand it. I suppose that's a good thing though, because if we did, we wouldn't need medicine anymore.

I am trying not to get too caught up in all the minute details, just to learn the concepts. I mean that really is enough to learn considering I have to learn all these concepts for at least 6 different species (and trust me, NO, they are not all the same). I have a LOT more to learn already...some homework that is mocking me right now as I type and put it off for 10 more minutes. After all, it is a REALLY gorgeous day, and I am running low on my vitamin D.

comments

I fixed it, so anyone can now leave comments...if you so feel led...

never thought I would be here...

I got to thinking the other day about just how much my life has not at all turned out like I expected it to, but exactly how I wanted it to.

It was exactly four years ago this month that I made my final decision to quit working in the restaurant and go back to school. For some inane (hindsight being 20/20 and all) reason I had always kinda toyed with the idea of staying in the restaurant business. Looking back I can't even see how people put up with me back then, I was a very different person and not very nice to some of the closest people in my life. Either way, reason intervened and I made a concrete decision to quit and FINALLY go back to school. Though I had only been out for three years, going back seemed like a scary scary thought. And, no possible way was I going to still pursue a veterinary career. After all I'd tried that and those classes were waaaaay too hard, I failed them and I just wasn't capable of that kind of work.

So I went back, taking courses at a community college that I could hardly afford (in fact I'm pretty sure I still owe my grandparents for a semester) majoring in Mass Communications. What I was going to do with that degree I will never know, it only lasted about a semester. I got really bored with the coursework, though I have always been very grateful to be back in school. I started thinking about maybe giving those impossible pre-vet classes one more go. I really really struggled with this decision, and looking back I'm not sure why. Either way I changed my major and my school. I started my coursework at Texas Tech. This was, to date, my lifelong dream. I HATED my previous institution and I think I hated it so much simply because I wanted to be at Tech so badly. It is where I had always envisioned myself. I saw myself at football games, getting chummy with Coach Knight, walking across the stage to get my red and black diploma. That degree, and that dream were in reach for the first time in five years. I had lived in Lubbock, at that time, for 3 years with all the intentions of actually going to school, and bills/residency/jobs/boys/life kept getting in my way. Now that I had actually put my foot down and I was responsible for realizing my own dream. It was a really powerful feeling.

Then, almost exactly a year after I had quit my job, and only halfway into my first semester at Tech I got a phone call. I had met a guy on my last opening for the restaurant, and while I thought he was perfectly nice, I hadn't really given him a second thought...until he called a year later. I think we talked well into the 3-4 am range...I was supposed to be writing a paper. He called again the next day, and the next and 7 days later he drove from Tyler to Lubbock to surprise me...and it was over. I was hooked, addicted madly deeply truly curl your toes kinda love. That was October, we were engaged in April and married in June.

Marrying him though, meant I had to give up on what I thought was my dream--that degree from Texas Tech. I do remember fretting over it some, grieving that loss. But, ultimately realizing that my dream was to get in, go to, and finish vet school--which was a dream my husband shared with me. In the end, I don't think it was the actual campus or tradition or anything else about Tech that drew me there, it was the assertion of my independence to go-to finally make the decision and follow my dream. A dream I wasn't being asked to give up--just a school.

So, as I sit here now--remembering that string of decisions over for years that have led me to this place, I not only feel nostalgic, but unimaginably blessed.

I moved from Lubbock willingly (mind you not because I really like Tyler, or Houston) because we wanted something bigger for both of us, for our lives together. It really amazes me sometimes how blessed I am that I have a husband who is letting me do this. He is financing, my entire education (ok Uncle Sam helps too) he works 60+ hour weeks, pays the bills (like he actually writes the checks, not just puts money in the bank) he helps clean the house, he does the dishes, he cooks dinner on nights I have to study. And he really asks nothing of me in return. I think the thing I love the most is that he doesn't just finance me, and put up with all my gross stories he doesn't want to hear, and the smell of anatomy lab, and complaining about lack of sleep....he actually shares this dream with me. He shares my joys, my struggles, and my failures with me, and I will consider this degree to be as much his as it is mine.

I guess it just hit me today how very very different this little life of mine would be if I hadn't gone back to school, if I hadn't changed my major and most of all if he hadn't picked up the phone that day. I would be in a tiny apartment, studying constantly with no relief. I would be even broker than we are now. I would be cooking for one. But mostly, I would be alone, with no one to share this with. As hard as it is trying to maintain a good marriage and go to school at the same time--I absolutely can't imagine it any other way. Giving up my little dream of Tech to focus on the bigger one of vet school turned out to not actually be that big of a deal...the big prize is still the same. Or, maybe it's better, because I get to share it with him.

So, in the end when I started this journey almost exactly four years ago, I really never thought I would be here...but I am exactly where I want to be.

Ahhh...Tuesdays

I love Tuesday's. I know I've mentioned this before, I just thought maybe I would re-iterate the point. Today was another one of those days.

I've been fighting off the "October Crud" as I call it. I'm not sure exactly what it is, some kind of cold, crappiness, funkiness that I always contract in October. I would say it has to do with the weather change, but it was a chilly 92 degrees here in good ol' Aggieland today so I highly doubt that is the issue. I just know I've been fighting this October battle since about the third grade. I'll get the same shit again in March--watch out! So in short this basically means that I spent all weekend huddled in a blanket on the floor with the cats studying physiology. Yeah, that's 17 hours of my life I'll never get back. I was horribly ill for the exam yesterday, I went home at noon, but I did make it through the exam. And, after all that studying and preparing and fretting, I only did one point better on this exam than I did on the last one, crap. Oh well, my last grade was actually not bad, and so neither is this one, I just hoped to do better. It seems that part of vet school is learning that you can study till the cows come home and inevitably there will be one (or many) question on the exam that makes you go, "What? Calmaudulin, I didn't read that anywhere, what the hell does calmaudulin have to do with anything." It's so frustrating, but with the volume of material we are responsible for learning, there is just no possible way you could possibly internalize it all. Well, at least I can't. Even so, I am still pretty pleased with my overall performance this semester. My grades are really pretty good, and I am learning how to force myself to study (cause I really would rather watch reality tv) and how to manage my time. Ok enough of that, exams are depressing and I have another one in two days...can't ya tell, I'm writing this instead of studying. (Yeah, its histology and I REALLY hate histology so I'm gonna put it off as long as possible)

While unfortunately this Tuesday didn't involve any live animals we did have a pretty good day. We modeled the heart wearing rain coats and chefs hats--trust me you just had to be there--and while that sounds slightly elementary it was amazingly complicated and really really informative. And, as it turns out I really like cardiology. Its pretty straight forward, and it's one of the things that is mostly all figured out in medicine. Unlike neurology or immunology where most of the time we are told, "We're not sure why this works this way, just know that it does" nice, thanks. Cardiology is not simple--but it is when you understand it, and it saves lives, my favorite part of the job. So maybe if I don't get that residency in nutrition I'll just move on to cardio...or maybe I should wait 'till 4th year, it's a little early yet.

Then we had a panel discussion with several clinicians from the teaching hospital. I love listening to them, I want to be them. But, the best part was watching a certain food animal clinician (whom I idolize) wreak havoc on a very prim and proper British feline practitioner...yes just cats who the hell would want to do that? If you've never had the pleasure of meeting a food animal vet let me paint you a little picture: They live in a different world than the small animal folk, and for the most part practice very different medicine. Their clients are typically not emotionally attached to the animals and they are more worried about withdrawl time for vaccines before slaughter than whether or not FiFi is going in the litter box. They are crass, usually loud, messy and very to the point. They are the "good ol' boys" and I love it. Food animal medicine is what I want to do and I can't wait to be one of them. Ok, so the highlight of the whole panel was watching the look on Dr. Feline's face when he was talking about how to gently handle a maniac cat as Dr. Pig jumps in and says "Gentle, hell I'm sure I've gotta squeeze chute we could fit a cat in" It was awesome. Dr. Feline didn't appreciate it, but I sure did.

Can't you just picture it? Fifi in a squeeze chute? Ahhhhhhhhh, I love Tuesdays.

Me and Zea

So here is the tale of the Ostrich...Actually, I wish I had a really great story to tell you, one than involved say a saddle, or a rope, or an actual Ostrich fight (ostrich v human of course I wouldn't pit them against one another) but, this week was remarkably uneventful with this bird. And in the end, she was really kinda sweet, and cool, and not at all what I expected. Today was our physical exam examination, and I was remarkably comfortable with this giant bird alone in a closed room, with only a broom handle to protect me...ok let's start from the beginning.

We were to arrive last Tuesday, an assigned group of four, to the wildlife farm for Ostrich orientation. The first thing this kindly, and very knowledgeable 3rd year told us was this, "You can't outrun an ostrich, so don't even try. If they are after you either jump the fence ( 6 ft high) or get down on the ground. After all, they can disembowel you with one kick and it's better to be stomped than disemboweld." Ummm....ok I was not to sure how the rest of this was gonna go, I hate birds and now I was gonna have to either outrun one (probably not) or just take my last rights before I entered the pen each morning. In a somber mood, the 3rd year led us to the pen where our bird was housed..."But this bird," she said, "is a total anomaly, she is so sweet and would never hurt you." Just as she said that Zea, our ostrich, stuck her head through the fence and looked at us like "hey, new friends, cool!" I couldn't help but laugh.

We were taken into the exam room and given the basics of ostrich care, anatomy, clinical signs and normal ostrichism...and surprisingly I knew quite a bit. Things like the significance of a renal portal system, birds only have a left ovary, and not to wear jewelery as she will try to peck it off. On that note, though Zea is a nice bird, we were instructed to take a broom handle into her cage with us at all times. Mostly to give her a target to peck at as they are really curious birds, and somewhat for protection. I have had more than one dream this week of me in an epic battle with a crazy ostrich, armed only with this sawed off broom handle...each time I was victorious.

So, overall this rotation was kinda boring, in a sense of I have no epic tales to tell. I did learn a lot though:

1. Ostriches are what appear to be an odd mix of a snake and a bird-and they're kinda shifty eyed.

2. A broom handle is adequate protection from giant birds

3. Ostriches have claws

4. an ostrich will scratch it's head by putting it on the ground an stepping on it

5. though I did have fun, I do not want to be an ostrich vet...but if worse came to worse I could

So, here's the promised photos--along with a few of the resident deer who are so tame they come up to you and beg to be petted. Sooooo cool.

Finding the joy

Many moons ago at orientation (ok so not THAT long ago, but some day's it feels like it) the dean told us her words of wisdom..."Find the Joy". Basically, she told us that this was going to be one of the hardest things we were ever going to do, there would be days when it seemed impossible, and days when we just wanted to stay in bed and not face four hours of generally mind numbing lectures. "Find the Joy" she said, it's what gets you out of bed in the morning. So far, I have found this to be excellent advice. Though, I have to admit, I haven't really had too much trouble finding the joy so far. Yes, I have days that I just want to jet out early and watch Oprah (mainly days that include Histology) and days that sleeping in and getting the lectures from someone else later seems like the best idea ever...but I don't. I trudge through when I really just want to be on the couch, because I know that my goal is closer than it has ever been before. So in short, here is a list of my "joy's" so far:

1. stupid games we play to stay awake during lecture-this usually includes counting the "filler word" a professor resorts to (ie um, ah, and Dr. Histology's favorite "essentially") So far the high number reached in one lecture 84, in 50 minutes, that's pretty sad. And yes, I am listening to the lectures--but sometimes you have to come up with alternate ways to stay interested.

2. Free food- vet school is all about lunch meetings and dinner meetings which usually include some lecture, or lecture series about a given topic--and always include free food. Quite often I will go to a given meeting because I am interested in the topic, like nutrition, or colic, or cattle just in general. Other times I attend based on the food they are serving regardless of the topic. Many times I don't care--but who can turn down free food.

3. New friends-though it feels like longer, we have only been at this 6 weeks. Now is the time friendships start to really form, we are not just being polite anymore. I love making connections with new people, I love learning from new people. I am starting to really find my niche and I have good friends, that as an added bonus are really smart and we study quite well together.

4. Tuesday's- Though they are our longest day of the week, I LOVE Tuesdays. This is the only day we are generally allowed live animals. We have physiology lab which includes adorable bloodhounds that failed out of the prison program (aww, they're the rejects) they are precious and sweet, and they have a pretty good deal living the sweet life at the vet school. (No experiments are done on them, they are just used to teach us how to draw blood and place catheters and such.) Mostly, though I love Tuesday afternoons. This is the day we get to leave campus (they pretty much hold us prisoner there) and go to a ranch or the teaching hospital, or the prison farm and hone our skills on live animals. This week's lesson, running a hydraulic squeeze chute and cattle physical exams. I came home so giddy I woke Husband up to tell him my story. He reacted like most of you probably are right now, he could not understand why playing with cows was such a big deal...it is ok, it just is.

5. Medical students- just in general they crack me up. Not sure why, they are a stressed out group of folks, and they generally make me laugh.

6. My professors- they are perhaps the smartest people I have ever met. I usually am in awe of their knowledge, skills and the shear fact that they are soooo the people I want to become. And, that they genuinely care...a far cry from my professors in undergrad. These veterinarians really really want us to understand, to do well in our courses, and to love our profession as much as they do.

7. Realizing that I am here: many days it just hits me, I'll be sitting in the library, or daydreaming in a particularly boring lecture and it hits me...I am a vet student. Not a hopeful, not an applicant, an actual vet student. That right there is perhaps where I find the most joy. No matter how hard things get, or how much I don't wanna get out of bed at 5:30, I am so incredibly glad I got in, and there are about 500 other people that would give anything to be in my seat. It pretty much keeps this amazing opportunity in perspective for me.

So, that's pretty much it, that's how I find my joy. The little things, the big ones, the variance from the mundane that makes the crappy days better. Keeping it in perspective keeps those crappy days few and far between.

Oh, and yes I will post a full write up of the ostrich rotation soon--it requires it's own post. We finish on Monday, I'll get a post in shortly after that.

Basically "B's"

I'm now a month in, and it feels pretty good. I survived my first round of exams with little fanfare. I made straight "B's" which isn't exactly what I was hoping for, but in comparison to the garish grades others received, I'm pretty proud of myself. I have changed my study habits a bit though...it is important to review the lectures as soon as possible...and understand things that don't make sense in class as soon as you can. All this stuff just keeps building on itself, so if you don't understand a tiny concept one day, you will be completely lost the next.

On a humorous note, I became the jackass that hit the "reply all" button on a return email rather than just "reply". Luckily it wasn't an embarrassing email, only letting someone know that I never received something I paid for. Unfortunately I sent it to the entire vet school, not just the intended recipient, or just my class, no...the whole school. Oh well, I was only slightly embarrassed about it, and I made a pretty good joke out of it. At least it wasn't something horribly personal, like being excused from class for infections diarrhea or something. In the end not such a big deal.

I guess I haven't spoken too much about my individual classes and how each is going. So here goes:

Anatomy- I took this lovely summer course (best $500) I ever spent. So this class is mostly a review, with some new material. I am beyond glad that I don't spend too much time catching up in this course. It seems to be the course that is drowning most people. I most most disappointed in my exam grade in this course--as it turned out I just made stupid mistakes. I didn't read the question correctly, or answered too fast and put a wrong answer, or said something like "extends the carpus" instead of the "joints of the carpus". There wasn't a single question I didn't know the answer to, I just rushed myself...lesson learned. But, either way a high "B" isn't hard to bring up.

Physiology- up until now, my previous physiology course had guided me through the professor's muddled and sometimes untranslatable lectures. That's over now. I don't really know anything he's going over currently, so I am having to do a lot of reading, and self teaching to stay caught up. Which isn't so bad. I will probably do better on the next exam (hopefully) because of that. Again, "B" on this exam, not terrible in comparison. The hard thing is there were only 24 questions, so it doesn't take missing many to make a "B". And, the one's I missed I legitimately didn't know, no stupid mistakes here. I just need to work harder.

Histology- I HATE this course. The material is not hard, I just hate it for some reason. Maybe because it's at the end of the day, or maybe it's just because I can't stand to hear her lecture. (In one hour the other day she said "essentially" 84 times...killing me). I did well on this exam too, nothing major to worry about, I could have studied more...but I really really hate it.

Immunology- I like this course a lot. I thought I did great on the exam, but turns out there were a few key concepts I didn't understand as he wanted me to. I barely studied for this test--that has changed. It is absolutely key to review his lectures, and to look up any terminology he assigns. His exam is not meant to trick you, he just looks for VERY specific answers, lesson learned.

That's pretty much it, we have two more courses Professional Development, we pretty much just sit and listen to guest lecturers--show up and you get a grade. And Clinical Correlates, this is the one course where we are allowed live animals--supervised of course. I like it because it's easy, again show up and get a grade, but we pretty much have no leadership as far as what we're supposed to be doing, we are learning by muddling through it ourselves. So far we made a mess of things on an equine case, but we rallied in the end and made it work.

That's pretty much my week, same ol' same ol'. This week I start my husbandry rotation with the Ostrich, (who by the way I found out is named Henderella) I'll post pictures I promise.

WHOOP!

First round of exams are done...well almost. I missed class today because of this stupid little dental issue called an abscessed tooth. I am feeling pretty stupid about it. I chipped the tooth almost 3 years ago, and never did anything about it. Then, about 6 weeks ago it really cracked in half--or at least it feels like it, either way it was enough to expose the root and create a nice little passage way for some seriously nasty bacteria. A month ago during orientation, I was in excruciating pain and was taking aspirin by the handful, turns out it was abscessed then. So here I am four weeks later, and I am noticing that my face is a little sore, nothing like the pain from orientation, but slightly sore when I press on it. I'll do something about that later...famous last words. I woke up Saturday morning looking like half a chipmunk--I was hugely swollen, but only on one side of my face. Nice just call me "Alvin .5" I frantically called my doctor who graciously called in some antibiotics for me, and today I finally went to the dentist. Turns out it is not so bad, the antibiotics are controlling the infection nicely and come October, when our dental insurance kicks in, I will undergo a pleasant little root canal. Nice, I thought I was going to have to loose the tooth altogether, so a root canal is a much better option, so is waiting until the insurance will pay :)

All dental emergencies aside, I made it through my first round of exams. It was exhausting, but I learned a few things:

1. Sleep is inversely proportionate to studying--well for me anyway. I can study from dusk to dawn, but if I don't get at least 7 hours, none of it will matter because I can't get any of that information out of my head and on to an exam. I was pretty prepared before I started studying (though I did modify my routine some) so it is better for me to add on an extra hour of studying each night the week of an exam, rather than kill myself and get like 6 hours of sleep all week.

2. Do not have the "freak out" herd mentality. The truth is I was remarkably well prepared for the tests, much more so than I would have been in undergrad. I would quietly remind myself that I knew the material, and not to buy in to everyone else's freak out attitude.

3. Vet school is hard, but not impossible. I might be modifying this later as this is only our first round of exams...but I did learn that you basically get out of it what you put in. If I study, I do pretty well, if I don't I am totally screwed. It has to be hard or everyone would do it, but it can't be so hard that no one wants to.

4. Med students freak out waaaay worse than vet students. While we were all pretty sleep deprived and became library rats, the med students looked like walking zombies. Maybe there is just a more layed back attitude in vet school (though it is harder) or maybe the people are just different--more perfectionists and crazy asians...not sure, but those kids were FREAKING OUT! While we were debating dropping out of vet school and going to med school 'cause it would be easier. (Not really, I couldn't deal with people medicine...the dark side)

5. Don't share grades with anyone. Though, I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I spanked my Anatomy exam, sharing grades is like sharing your salary...makes for uneasy friendships. It's better just kept to yourself.

In the end, not a bad week, just tiring. Hopefully my make-up physiology exam will go as nicely as the other three...wait and see

And on another ironic note, as I was searching for emergency dentists on Saturday morning, I typed "Emergency Dentists in College Station" into Google...it came back with a list of VETERINARY emergency dentists, as apparently no human dentist feels the need to take care of patients on a Saturday. I almost called...

intravenous caffine

I feel like I am almost dead come Thursday mornings. I sit in desperation for caffine in our two hours of lecture, holding on to any morsel of energy I have to pay attention to the lecture. I have learned that I have to listen--I am strongly an auditory learner and listening in lecture helps me piece things together later--oh how I wish I could just zone out. But, when 10 am rolls around, and I am thanking the heavens for my 3 hour break--I get my second wind. This seems to get me through Friday, but this week it has to get me through Saturday.

To be fair, after Tuesday my week is pretty much downhill. I have a two hour break on Wednesdays (well including an hour lunch break) and then we get out at 3! Yes! cheesey afternoon TV here I come--(I know Oprah, I have missed you too) Thursdays include a 3 hour break but we get out at 5. And Friday's, glorious Friday's--lecture only from 10-12. Albeit this week we have an extra "mandatory" lecture from 1-3 and then a meeting from 3-5. Either way I get to sleep in, hall-a-freakin-luya! Our first round of exams start next week, so it looks as though my Saturday will be pretty full of studying--hopefully productive time. I am really trying hard to save Sunday's from any type of school activity--especially studying. I use this time to do laundry, clean up the house, nap, and I spend Sunday evenings at a vet school bible study. Hopefully, I can make this last.

As it turns out, while I require intravenous caffine for Thursdays, Wednesdays are an INCREDIBLE day (yes, so good it deserves capitalization). Wednesdays over lunch are BP Rounds (Bovine Practioner--I didn't know until yesterday either). Basically, instead of eating lunch, we spend our hour in the food animal ward discussing cases with the food animal clinicians (i.e. attending/teaching veterinarians). We are presented the case and then asked to come up with a list of differential diagnoses--the list of potential things that could be the issue. While I felt slightly stupid ( hey, I've only been at this two weeks, I can't be expected to know everything) I was suprised at the level of knowledge I actually already posess. First, the clinician didn't use a single word I didn't know--this is a big deal, I am learning that medicine is basically just latin. I was able to piece together several things I thought could potentially be wrong, and most importantly I was able to follow along with the actual diagnoses, the reasoning and treatment plans. I felt almost like a real doctor. It was so incredibly refreshing to be using my (small) knowledge to do almost actual medicine--or at least to put the puzzle pieces together as to why sitting in lecture for 4 hours a day is actually going to help me be a good vet. (as it turns out, we actually need to know physiology.) More than that, it was GREAT to see live animals--as we are only allowed already dead ones right now--and some of us can even mess that up. And the best part...the 3 day old calf. I love calves--my absolute favorite animal. For those that have never experienced one--cuter than puppies, I promise, they look at you with such inquisitive looks, love to play and will use your fingers as a pacifier if offered. I want one in my backyard. The whole experience was amazing, and only helped to solidifiy in my mind that no matter how hard this is, I know I have chosen the right career. How blessed am I to be doing something I am truly passionate about? Awesome.

So, overall it has been a good week. I need to buckle down and study this weeked--exams next week. But, so far I don't feel too much pressure. I'm sure that'll change come Monday morning. Ok, I'm really gonna study now.

Leaquie

One week down, only about a hundred thousand more to go.

I am tired of all the veteriarians I know telling my class, "enjoy it while you can, it goes by so fast." They say this with an air of nostalgia in their aging faces--then I think the quickly remember the air of anatomy lab, and the nostalgia fades pretty quickly. I remember people telling me this same thing my freshman year of high school--smart, saavy seniors getting weepy eyed at the thought of graduation. "oh, it goes by so fast." Maybe I had a different high school experience than everyone else, but I remember it taking exactly the amount of time it seemed to take, not too long not too short, just four simple years. While this week hasn't dragged on unbearably long, it hasn't just flown by either--I'm pretty sure that's how vet school is gonna go.

I will say, however, that I am sitting here on Friday afternoon (yeah for only 2 hours of class on Fridays!!!) completely braindead. I need to be studying, I need to be reviewing biochem from last semester, I need to be filling out worksheets. But I have decided it is bad for my health. Here's why: This morning was awesome. I slept in (7am) moseyed around getting ready, had breakfast and made it to class on time at 10:00am. I was sure my brain would be fresh, I studyed in the library during a break yesterday for 3 hours, and I took the night off catching up on Grey's Anatomy reruns. I got out my big cheif tablet and #2 pencil this morning, ready to take notes. While I felt I was rested, it seemed I was not. I could hear everything the professors were saying, and generally I think I pieced it together in my little budding veterinarian brain...but it seemed the sheer volume of major upper level material has pushed out all the space that my first grade material occupied. Things like basic spelling. You should see my notes from today, I seriously struggled--and had to write several times--words like "leaky" (my first attempt was leaquie) and "exclusionary" (ishcklution) I was seriously having a hard time just making letters. I would attempt to write a word and just sit there going...wait what does that start with. It was bad. Maybe my brain is just converting everything to latin?

I feel like I have done an ok job with keeping up with the material this week, but I still have a LOT left to do tonight and tomorrow. My brain feels like it is actually sore, like that feeling you get when you have "outdone" yourself in a new excersise routine. Can lactic acid build up in the brain? Can that pass the blood brain barrier? And, the truth is, none of this information is exceptionally hard--yet. I can identify cells in a blood smear, but remembering that porcine erythrocytes are generally crenated, avian platlets are nucleated and called thrombocytes, llama erythrocytes are oval, and horse eosinophils have large granules and are more difficult to distinguish from neutrophils, and that horse RBC's generally demonstrate Rouleax...there is just not enough room. It's enough to make med school sound like a cake walk.

I am tired, and I haven't even had a test yet. But, I am hoping like all routines, I will eventually get used to this, constant exahaustion (wow, that word took me three tries to spell, I'm still doing it). Maybe my brain will build endurance? Who knows. Right now I really need to get some studying done, but I really fear that if I try to manually shove any more information into my brain I will lose the space where basic speech, and involuntary muscle control are housed.

Dum...dum...dummmm the first day

So, it went. I'm not gonna say it went well, just that it went. Our mentors, faculty and upperclassmen have been telling us for weeks now that the first week was going to be overwhelming, just expect it. No matter how much mental preparation you do, you can not be prepared for the tidal wave of information that is the first day. I thought I was completely overwhelmed with information, lectures, course exam schedules and outside projects. But when I got home for the day I realized we had only really had one lecture (the rest was syllabus presentation, blah, blah, blah) and one lab. WHAT?!? How can I be this overwhelmed by such a small amount of general information?

The answer, I deduced later, was that it wasn't the information it was the whole shebang, the whole package of vet school. I am still used to undergrad, go to class if you want, don't if you want, whatever. And to maybe having 4 courses max, with 2 or at most 3 labs. HUGE breaks in between classes, and plenty of time for "socializing". Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lazy in undergrad, I finished in the expected amount of time and did really well (after all I got in to one of the most prestigious professional programs, yes harder to get in to than med school) But, I was never really overwhelmed by the volume of information. That is soooo over.

In our breaks in between classes (10 min.) we are innudated by upperclassmen and their sales pitches for their respective clubs, sports teams, food companies, lecture reviews, cake baking clubs and other random crap. A few I am joining but most I am not. Then lunch is nonexistent. While it technically has a space on our schedule, it is politely filled with club meetings, information sessions, review sessions, and professors random crap...nice. 8-5 everyday, no lunch no real breaks constant constant constantconstantconstant informaton. Holy shit.

Then to top off my day, I ended with Histology lab. Quickly becoming the bane of my existence. I really didn't think it was so bad until we were thrown into the lab assignment with no background lecture, no helpful tips, nothing. The lab excersise was identifying the various nuclei, nucleoli, classifying as heterochromatic, euchromatic, and identifying and defining the different stages of cell division and their importance. Granted, this is REVIEW material. But, review from a very long time ago in some distant class I tried to erase known as cell bio. And, it's not like I reference miosis and mitosis everyday, so it was pretty much gone. I raised my hand and asked for a professor to come to my microscope and give some clarification. He simply responded by saying, "I will not answer questions over material you should alreay know. You are a professional student now, and I will not answer stupid questions." Nice, I slunk back in my chair and thought what am I doing here? I went home generally freaking out, the horrible histo lab still very fresh. Trust me, the first day of vet school will make you reconsider your career...maybe one of those on the waiting list could take my seat and I can just bag groceries...

But, I woke up today (again from VERY little sleep) with a new attitude. I had re-evaluated my schedule and it wasn't all that bad. I actually have plenty of time to study, just maybe not time for much else. I can get some sleep if I manage my time correctly, and I had totally forgotten I have weekends to study--not so bad. After a re-evaluation of my histo professor's comments, and a small conversation with my mentor, I realized he was right. I should know basic cell biology--did I expect to get through vet school being spoon fed information I was already responsible for knowing? So, today I had a nice lunch (ok more like a fast slim-fast and some cucumbers) in the library with a cell bio book. And guess what, I still new the information, just needed a little review. And I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. No more babysitting from my profs.

In further good news today (it was an overall MUCH better day) we learned that part of our clinical correlates course will be a husbandry rotation in which we will be responsible for the feeding, care, and knowing how to do a physical exam on that species, for one week. The assigned species were equine (horse) bovine (cow) and yes, drumroll please, my assignment...the ostrich. What? Yup, I know absolutly nothing about this species and I am not great with birds, they terrify me. So, whats better for me to learn from than a giant bird? After my initial shock, I was pretty excited...I'll try to post pictures.

I learned a few things today, and I'm sure I will tomorrow too. Write down your assignments, or review plans as soon as you get them. Keep your schedule,I am capable of looking up answers I don't know, I am a responsible student, and ANY free time at school should be spent studying if possible--this allows a much earlier bedtime : ) Here's hoping tomorrow goes as well as today...it should I get off at 3, instead of 5.